Love and acceptance are probably the most fundamental human needs. Especially in my field of work, I have witnessed many people fear dying alone more than they fear death itself. We all want to feel loved. We think about it, hope for it, fantasize about it, go to great lengths to achieve it, and feel that our lives are incomplete without it. It is especially unfortunate, then, that most of us have no idea what unconditional love really is, and we prove our ignorance with our horrifying divorce rate, the incidence of alcohol and drug addiction, and the domestic violence in our community.
Our misconceptions of unconditional love began in childhood, where we saw that when we did all the right things - when we were clean, quiet, obedient and otherwise “good” - people “loved” us. They smiled at us and spoke in gentle tones. But we also saw that when we were “bad,” all those signs of “love” instantly vanished. In short, we were taught by consistent experience that love was conditional, that we had to buy “love” from the people around us with our words and behavior.
So what’s wrong with conditional love? Because we simply can’t feel fulfilled by love we pay for. We can feel loved only when it is freely, unconditionally given to us. Most people spend their entire lives trying to fill their emptiness with conditional love, but all they achieve is an ever-deepening frustration, punctuated by brief moments of superficial satisfaction. The unhappiness in our lives is in part due to the frustration we experience as we desperately and hopelessly try to create happiness from a flawed foundation of conditional love.
There’s only one kind of love that can give us the happiness we all want: unconditional love. Unconditional love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get in return. Of course, I am not advocating that this is the only definition of unconditional love, because we each have our own understanding, and this is only what I believe. When we make foolish mistakes, when we fail to fulfill expectations, and even when we become an obstacle, this is the time when true love can be tested. An individual who unconditionally loves you will not feel disappointed or irritated.
The burning question naturally is: how do we find unconditional love? For that, honestly, I have no answer. I guess for those of us who are lucky, we will find it. And for those of us who are especially fortunate, it will find us. At least once we realize the distinction and rarity of unconditional love from other forms of love, if one day it happens to cross your path, or if it is already part of your journey through life……remember to hold on tight, cherish it, and never let go.
Our misconceptions of unconditional love began in childhood, where we saw that when we did all the right things - when we were clean, quiet, obedient and otherwise “good” - people “loved” us. They smiled at us and spoke in gentle tones. But we also saw that when we were “bad,” all those signs of “love” instantly vanished. In short, we were taught by consistent experience that love was conditional, that we had to buy “love” from the people around us with our words and behavior.
So what’s wrong with conditional love? Because we simply can’t feel fulfilled by love we pay for. We can feel loved only when it is freely, unconditionally given to us. Most people spend their entire lives trying to fill their emptiness with conditional love, but all they achieve is an ever-deepening frustration, punctuated by brief moments of superficial satisfaction. The unhappiness in our lives is in part due to the frustration we experience as we desperately and hopelessly try to create happiness from a flawed foundation of conditional love.
There’s only one kind of love that can give us the happiness we all want: unconditional love. Unconditional love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get in return. Of course, I am not advocating that this is the only definition of unconditional love, because we each have our own understanding, and this is only what I believe. When we make foolish mistakes, when we fail to fulfill expectations, and even when we become an obstacle, this is the time when true love can be tested. An individual who unconditionally loves you will not feel disappointed or irritated.
The burning question naturally is: how do we find unconditional love? For that, honestly, I have no answer. I guess for those of us who are lucky, we will find it. And for those of us who are especially fortunate, it will find us. At least once we realize the distinction and rarity of unconditional love from other forms of love, if one day it happens to cross your path, or if it is already part of your journey through life……remember to hold on tight, cherish it, and never let go.
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