Love Is...

There are many types of love that we have for the people in our lives: love for a romantic partner, for our family (my poodle is included in this category), for our friends, for humanity in general, and for ourselves.

Recently, I felt that I was losing sight of my priorities, losing my way in this often difficult and complicated world of love. That was, until a dear friend reminded me today of a truth that I had forgotten and often ignored, "before you can love someone else, you have to love yourself, first." After his sobering advice, I spent the rainy afternoon (rain seems to be especially conducive to introspection) reflecting upon his words, and I have some thoughts I would like to share.

Although love for others is extremely important, self-love should - and must - come first. This adage has almost become a cliché. Yet, on some level, many of us feel uncomfortable with this. So many of us, especially women, are caregivers; we tend to put the needs of others before our own needs. We try to please and care for others first, often putting ourselves last.

We believe that to love yourself, or to give to yourself, is "selfish" or "self-centered." My mother was very concerned about preventing her children from becoming conceited. It never occurred to her that she might want to put as much effort into fostering our self-esteem. But I don’t blame my mother: like all of us, she is a product of her generation and culture. She only taught what she had learned, herself. I find it a shame, though, that our culture and traditional Chinese values seem to create so many people who lack self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-love.

When I talk of self-love, I am not advocating that we should stop caring for others, and just focus on ourselves. Being in service and giving back to your community is something I believe is very important. Showing kindness to others and generosity for our loved ones is a key to having a fulfilling life. However, you cannot keep giving to others if you do not give to yourself, first. When you love yourself, you will make it easier for you to give love to others. When you take time to re-energize, you will have more energy both for yourself and to share with the people you love and those in your care.

There are an infinite number of ways for us to love and to care for ourselves. One of the most important ways is to nourish and care for your body: eat healthy foods, exercise regularly, and take care of your health (this is my professional side speaking). Taking breaks are important as well, and this does not necessarily mean extravagant vacations or expenses. Perhaps you enjoy taking time to paint or to write, as I do.

Another way to love yourself is by being in the practice of using positive affirmations. I recall an example from my childhood. I went over to a friend’s house, and I saw several Post-it notes in their kitchen and in the hallway, with short phrases written on them like ”you are bright and beautiful” or “you are confident and strong”. When I asked my friend why her parents had put up all these notes around the house, she told me it was so that her youngest sister would grow up feeling good about herself. Now I realize what wise parents she had.

To this day, despite the fact that my best friend and I live thousands of miles apart, we would exchange notes, cards and emails on a regular basis. We would tell each other how much we love each other, and what wonderful qualities we each possess. Even if, at first, you feel silly or uncomfortable reading or writing these phrases, you may find that you grow into and become these qualities. You may even realize that you embodied them all along; you just had not realized it.

So, go ahead. Love yourself. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself well. Replenish yourself. You will discover that, the more you love yourself, the more you will be able to give love to others - and the more others will want to be around you and give back to you.

~ Peggy