Regardless of our culture, our level of education or economic status, we all have the same fundamental desires - to love, to be loved, and to be happy. Of course we could add other desires to this list, like money and expensive things; but when you really evaluate the reason for wanting them, it is so that we can appear more desirable, and will hopefully be loved and accepted.
During the past several days, I felt the love that my friends had for me when I needed it, I witnessed the love that my Christian friends expressed for their savior Jesus Christ during the Easter holiday, and I felt the love that my best friend had for her baby when she was ill. If love is something so fundamentally important to us, then why is it that we have so many issues and misunderstandings in finding it? Among my many daily ponderings, distractions and reflections, I have come up with a simple answer: I think it is because most of us have never been educated in this fundamental area during our development. I certainly didn’t study relationships in my high school curriculum. For most of us, it’s been an adventure in trial and error, and learning through pain and heart-break.
I now turn my attention to a particular kind of love, the quest for finding a romantic partner, a “soul mate”. Many of us have latched onto this concept of finding “the one” person out there for us, and so we linger in every relationship that we have, fearing that we might miss out on “the one”. But I’ve been thinking: there are almost 7 billion people on the planet. With that in mind, it seems to make more sense that “the one” is more likely to be “the one-hundred-thousand.” Perhaps there are a countless number of people who will be great companions, and it is just a matter of finding one of them.
We all have a rough idea of what our perfect partner is like: beautiful, or smart, or rich, or educated, or tall, or funny, with this car or maybe that one. I think the problem comes when we find ourselves constantly comparing our partner (or potential partner) with this conjured-up ‘perfect’ person. When that happens, we stop appreciating all the beautiful qualities that the individuals around us do possess. The truth is, and I have finally realized, that this perfect person does not exist. But more importantly, we may not actually need all of these perfect qualities in a companion to be happy.
I believe that we cannot truly allow others to love us, until we first love ourselves (if you recall, I have written about this at length in my last note, so I won’t dwell on this issue here). But to repeat a truth, loving yourself makes you a more attractive person to the outside world. Before you know it, you will be surrounded by those attracted to you for who you really are.
A recent conversation with a friend raised a very amusing thought on the issue of sex that I must share. Apparently, when you have an orgasm, your body releases the hormone oxytocin that binds you emotionally to the other person. For a man, the effects of this hormone last for 48 hours. For a woman, the effects last for 14 days. This explains why, after having sex with someone who is clearly a bad choice, we can end up in a relationship with them, even if it is only for a short period of time. And these relationships can turn into long-term relationships that ultimately end badly. So my friend (who holds a doctorate in human physiology, so I bullshit you not) recommends not to have sex during your dating process unless you are ready to be emotionally bound to that person for 14 days (if you’re a guy, for only 2 days.…go figure).
So is there any conclusion from my many ponderings? Well this is what I think. First we need to gain clarity on what we really need rather than what we desire in a perfect companion. Then spend time practicing how to love yourself. For all my single friends, be open to the idea of your ideal mate entering your life; I would not actively seek it, instead spend your efforts on self-development. For all my friends who have already found their partner, your journey only begins here.
I am a very rational and logical person, I do not believe in gnomes or leprechauns, but as with all things of the heart, I think there is an ingredient of magic in finding love. There are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. Love is beautiful and unpredictable. I don’t want to sound like some relationship guru, but I think the best thing we can do is to start by becoming the most outstanding person possible. And when we are, true love will happen, unexpectedly.
~Peggy
During the past several days, I felt the love that my friends had for me when I needed it, I witnessed the love that my Christian friends expressed for their savior Jesus Christ during the Easter holiday, and I felt the love that my best friend had for her baby when she was ill. If love is something so fundamentally important to us, then why is it that we have so many issues and misunderstandings in finding it? Among my many daily ponderings, distractions and reflections, I have come up with a simple answer: I think it is because most of us have never been educated in this fundamental area during our development. I certainly didn’t study relationships in my high school curriculum. For most of us, it’s been an adventure in trial and error, and learning through pain and heart-break.
I now turn my attention to a particular kind of love, the quest for finding a romantic partner, a “soul mate”. Many of us have latched onto this concept of finding “the one” person out there for us, and so we linger in every relationship that we have, fearing that we might miss out on “the one”. But I’ve been thinking: there are almost 7 billion people on the planet. With that in mind, it seems to make more sense that “the one” is more likely to be “the one-hundred-thousand.” Perhaps there are a countless number of people who will be great companions, and it is just a matter of finding one of them.
We all have a rough idea of what our perfect partner is like: beautiful, or smart, or rich, or educated, or tall, or funny, with this car or maybe that one. I think the problem comes when we find ourselves constantly comparing our partner (or potential partner) with this conjured-up ‘perfect’ person. When that happens, we stop appreciating all the beautiful qualities that the individuals around us do possess. The truth is, and I have finally realized, that this perfect person does not exist. But more importantly, we may not actually need all of these perfect qualities in a companion to be happy.
I believe that we cannot truly allow others to love us, until we first love ourselves (if you recall, I have written about this at length in my last note, so I won’t dwell on this issue here). But to repeat a truth, loving yourself makes you a more attractive person to the outside world. Before you know it, you will be surrounded by those attracted to you for who you really are.
A recent conversation with a friend raised a very amusing thought on the issue of sex that I must share. Apparently, when you have an orgasm, your body releases the hormone oxytocin that binds you emotionally to the other person. For a man, the effects of this hormone last for 48 hours. For a woman, the effects last for 14 days. This explains why, after having sex with someone who is clearly a bad choice, we can end up in a relationship with them, even if it is only for a short period of time. And these relationships can turn into long-term relationships that ultimately end badly. So my friend (who holds a doctorate in human physiology, so I bullshit you not) recommends not to have sex during your dating process unless you are ready to be emotionally bound to that person for 14 days (if you’re a guy, for only 2 days.…go figure).
So is there any conclusion from my many ponderings? Well this is what I think. First we need to gain clarity on what we really need rather than what we desire in a perfect companion. Then spend time practicing how to love yourself. For all my single friends, be open to the idea of your ideal mate entering your life; I would not actively seek it, instead spend your efforts on self-development. For all my friends who have already found their partner, your journey only begins here.
I am a very rational and logical person, I do not believe in gnomes or leprechauns, but as with all things of the heart, I think there is an ingredient of magic in finding love. There are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. Love is beautiful and unpredictable. I don’t want to sound like some relationship guru, but I think the best thing we can do is to start by becoming the most outstanding person possible. And when we are, true love will happen, unexpectedly.
~Peggy
